Don'tworry, your dad didn't know what he was doing, either.

No, no--not that Spock!

Second thought, maybe you should worry.

Never tell anybody that you and your wife are "trying."

We really don't need the visual, that's why.

Never tell anybody where your child was conceived, how long it took, or whatsong was playing.

Do not name your baby after cities, geographical points of interest,features of the solar system, seasons, plants, animals, or current televisionstars.

Your child, at birth, already has a deeply complicated relationship with hismother, and, for the first year, you are only a curiosity.

For a couple of years after that, an amusement-park ride.

Then, a referee.

And finally, a bank.

If you want to subject your son to the unkindest cut, insist on a localanesthetic, since many pediatricians don't bother to use one.

The anesthetic is for the kid.

Baby gas is lessened with a good nipple connection during feeding, whichdecreases air intake.

Assuring that his lower lip is flipped out, not pursed, helps.

There is nothing wrong with thumb-sucking, which helps ease the pain ofteething.

Nonetheless, it probably ought to stop by kindergarten.

Diaper-rash remedy: Expose baby's hydraulics to the air until dry. Soakbaby's bottom in tepid water with a half cup baking soda. Then, Balmex. OrLotrimin. Rediaper.

You know how they say you'll get used to diapers? You won't.

Unless you wear them a lot.

Forcing children to use toilets will make them dislike toilets.

Children begin using toilets when they tire of that not-so-freshfeeling.

Of course, this is long, way long, after you tire of it.

The start of crawling: usually begins between six months and twelvemonths.

Standing: usually between nine and twelve months.

Walking: between twelve and fifteen months.

The onset of the above, as with all developmental skills, is hugely variableamong individual children.

Avoid walkers, not only because they can be dangerous around stairs butbecause they don't require a child to balance and thus retard his walkingprogress.

Reason boys are better: They cannot get pregnant.

Reason girls are better: They're less likely to get arrested.

The threat of an unknown punishment is always more effective than a statedone.

Annals of great punishments: Hang dolly from a noose!

That was a joke, Dad, a joke.

Annals of great punishments, for real: making him wash the car, clean thebathroom, and watch The McLaughlin Group.

You see, ail great punishments should reduce the number of disagreeabletasks you would ' otherwise have to perform.

Teach by example.

Your kids can develop an independent sense of good taste only if they'reallowed to make their own mistakes in judgment.

Relax: Lots of little boys want a Barbie and a dollhouse.

The first time you change your son's diaper and he pees all over you is notan accident. It's foreshadowing.