by Jennifer Allen

You love each other...yet one of you is always saying the wrong thing! Howto improve the conversation-and the relationship.

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I sometimes think of my daughters as my own personal ThoughtPolice. Both are deeply attuned to everything I say and how I say it. Recently,my older child, who's 21, came home for a visit: "Hi, honey," I said,giving her a hug as she walked through the door-to which she replied, "Whyaren't you happier to see me?" I thought to myself, How did she pick up onthe fact that I'm distracted? What I also thought was, Can't I get away withanything?

In her new book, You're Wearing That? Understanding Mothers and Daughters inConversation, Deborah Tannen, Ph.D., describes the intense connection betweenmothers and daughters-and how we press each other's buttons. A best-sellingauthor (You Just Don't Understand) and a professor at Georgetown University,Tannen had a sometimes strained relationship with her own mother, who diedalmost two years ago, at 93. "My mother," says Tannen with a smile,"was kind of an extreme case of needing to be the center of attention."Over tea at her home in suburban Virginia, Tannen answered questions anddescribed how she finally learned to appreciate her mother, to whom her latestbook is lovingly dedicated.

Why do mother-daughter conversations often seem so complex andexplosive?
Deborah Tannen: Women talk more than men. Talk is the glue that holds arelationship together for us. But the more you talk, the more chance there isto put your foot in it. And unlike men, women love to exchange secrets and talkabout their troubles. So we make ourselves more vulnerable.

What are the hot-button topics for mothers and daughters?
DT: I came across so many examples of mothers making critical remarks abouttheir daughters' hair. After all, isn't it a mother's prerogative, if not herobligation, to make sure her daughter looks her best?

But where the mother sees caring, the daughter sees her mother's scrutiny asconfirming her own fears-that she's flawed. If a mother says that her daughtershould lose 15 pounds, the daughter thinks she should probably lose 20. So it'simportant, as a mother, not to offer advice or criticism-especially aboutappearance-unless you are asked. And even then, be careful. And don't forgetthe power of praise.

A lot of grown-up daughters feel that their mothers are trying to meddlein their lives, with too many comments, too many questions. Is thattrue?
DT: A mother may ask a question or say something because she's trying toconnect with her daughter. But the daughter hears the remark as trying to buttin. In researching the book, I heard from so many mothers: "I can't open mymouth! Why is she so sensitive?" The mom is thinking, I see what she shoulddo-it's so obvious-but I can't get her to do it. One of my students broke upwith her boyfriend and was upset and thought that maybe her mother might have aunique perspective. So she told her, and the mother gave her point of view,which the daughter appreciated. But then the daughter realized why she did notdo this more often-the mother kept bringing it up. "How are you feeling?Have you met anybody else interesting?" she would ask. Finally, thedaughter had to say, "Please don't bring it up; you're making itharder." Her mother was hurt.